by Heather Bjur
This year I began to wage war on “busy.” I removed the word from my vocabulary and faced my insecurities about my identity. Who would I be if I wasn’t the woman who said yes to everything? I’ve created space in my planner (yes, I still use a paper planner, and probably always will) for solitude and reflection. Sometimes, I’ve even been able to sit in that carved out space for more than a few moments.
I thought I was doing a bang-up job at this battle, enjoying the word, “No,” and feeling the freedom to use it without guilt or anger. For this recovering co-dependent, being able to say no and use healthy boundaries without the energy of anger behind it is a refreshing phenomenon. But, something inside of me still wasn’t at rest and I didn’t feel rejuvenated.
My exterior world slowed, but my interior world hadn’t gotten the memo.
That’s when I was faced with the reality that this gal, who wants most in life to make a difference for the sake of the souls of others, was saying “no” to speaking requests and television appearances, but very few of those “no’s” included the space in my head where thoughts, goals, desires, plans, hopes, and dreams live. Nope, these were still running 24/7, keeping my mind distracted and busy. I was still trying to figure out my life, i.e. strive, endeavor, and produce, inside the confines of my skull. It’s just that there was less evidence on the outside.
I was fooling myself, believing the space in my schedule equated rest for my soul.
It became evident that I had been taking a pseudo-rest – the hours in the evening scrolling Facebook and Pinterest had gotten away from me. Constantly searching for inspiration and direction and opportunities, I was believing a lie that since I wasn’t out of the house doing something away from my family that I was winning this war on busy. But my agenda for making my life and my work matter wasn’t having any part of rest.
How easily we deceive ourselves.
Could I even be present with my family? What good am I to anyone if my schedule is clear but my thoughts are somewhere else? I began to wonder if I was even capable of keeping my mind in the room for more than 28 seconds.
As an Enneagram 4w3, my thought life is rich, vibrant, and very much alive. However, my real life is regularly frustrating, annoyingly tedious, and often mundane. And mundane feels like an assault to my creative soul, my soul that longs for life and love and connection.
But how was I to find life and love and connection if I was caught up in my head, always looking for the magic all by myself?
The irony is astounding, isn’t it?
I began to see that paring down my schedule was only a small part of the battle. Necessary, but more like the skeleton and not the flesh and blood. So I endeavored to carve out space inside my head. I was going to practice silence.
I picked up Ruth Haley Barton’s book, Invitation to Solitude and Silence, which I highly recommend. She weaves beautiful connections between God bringing Elijah out to the desert for rest and renewal, and our chaotic lives of ministry and service and 21st century family living. I wrote the date I started the book inside the cover: June 28, 2019. I was determined to finish the book, but not in a rush. I wanted to take it in slowly, inhaling deeply its truth and practical practice.
I finished the book a couple weeks ago. I loved it. I wrote the date I finished underneath the date I began. I felt accomplished. But, I also felt disappointed. I had grand ideas of this book turning me into a dedicated, regimented, deliberate contemplative.
It didn’t do that. (I know you’re surprised.)
Every time I sat down to practice the silence at the end of each chapter, my mind wandered, or my phone buzzed, or my dog needed to be let outside. I watched this happen, almost like an out-of-body experience, having suspected this is how it would be. I felt like I was missing something grand and magical. (If you know anything about Enneagram 4’s, we always feel like we’re missing something.)
As soon as I finished the book, I determined to read it again, only practicing harder what I attempted to practice the first time through. And then I started laughing at myself. Seriously, Heather?! I didn’t do it to my own satisfaction the first time, so now I’m going to do it all over, so I can get it right?
I don’t know about you, but this does not sound restful. It sounds like me demanding something out of myself and out of God, something that must fit exactly into my expectations of what it should look like.
I’m not saying that the practice of silence isn’t important. In fact, I believe it’s vital. But there was an energy behind my desire for silence, and it sounded something like this: “I WILL meet with God, and he WILL show up, and I WILL be refreshed!” Oy!
Can we ever just put down the striving?
Can we ever simply sink ourselves into His chest, like John did in chapter 13 of his Gospel?
In the midst of his account of the Last Supper, while Jesus reveals his betrayer, I am arrested by one sentence John includes that doesn’t seem to fit the rest of the paragraph: There was reclining on Jesus’ bosom one of His disciples, whom Jesus loved. (John 13:23 NASB)
Doesn’t it sound wonderful? Picture the brotherhood. The camaraderie. The intimacy.
It sounds to me as if John was resting. Even as disturbing news was delivered by his best friend. He is able to rest because he’s close to Jesus. I am convinced that it is only intimacy with Jesus that can bring us true rest. True rejuvenation. True restoration of our souls.
In those moments, there is no agenda, no planning, no striving. Only enjoyment. Can you imagine laying your head on Jesus’ chest, while sitting around the table with friends? Close enough to smell Him, the day’s dust and sweat still clinging to His skin. Close enough to feel His warm breath as He speaks. Close enough that the linen of His tunic becomes wrinkled from the heat of your cheek. Close enough to hear His heartbeat.
His heart that beats for you. His heart that loves you. His heart that enjoys you and that wants you to be near to Him.
Can you hear this invitation? You don’t have to plan or schedule or strive. It’s not up to you to make anything happen, to be something significant. He just wants to be there with you, in whatever condition you happen to be in at that moment.
Will you respond?
Rest awaits.
Call to Action: To join our current series on mental health, click here. Upcoming topics include managing stress, practicing mindfulness, seeking joy, and finding peace.
About the Author: Heather Bjur is a lover of Jesus, books, & soul-touching conversation. Wife. Boy-mom. Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Enneagram 4w3. I/ENFP. Soul nourisher. To learn more about Heather and download her free 7-day audio series, The Proper Care and Feeding of Your Soul, visit www.heatherbjur.com. You can also find her on Facebook or Instagram @heatherbjur.
One thought on “Finding True Rest for Your Soul”
Heather & Jen,
This world is running at break neck speed. The mantra of the day is do more, go go go rush strive always busy. Heaven forbid you stop & give yourself a break. If your children aren’t in many activities then they are falling behind. Keep pushing moving forward. This way only leads to high stress levels & poor health. Jesus’s mantra turns the world upside down. He says slow down. Find a quiet place where we can sit & talk. Be still for a while. Truth is His ways are so much better for us than the world’s. You won’t be as stressed out & your body will get the much needed rest. Lysa Terkeurst in her book Your Best Yes quotes “saying yes to everyone & everything won’t make you wonder woman. It will make you a worn out woman.” Worn out women have nothing left to give anyone. We can’t give from an empty well. We must fill that well up daily. To do so we must spend time with Jesus resting our souls & bodies.
Blessings 🙂