by Lisa-Jo Baker
In a world where women can unfriend each other with the swipe of a finger, how do we find friendships that we can trust to last? Maybe by first becoming those kinds of lasting friends ourselves.
So instead of rushing into friendship with a backpack full of sky high expectations, it’s worth taking the time to pause and decide what we’re not going to do this time around.
Here are a few friendship mistakes we’ve all made and some suggestions for how to avoid them:
1. Assuming a friend can be all things at all times to us.
If we are constantly disappointed by how our friends don’t live up to our need for encouragement, the problem might be that we’re expecting the kind of soul validation they’re not equipped to give. The kind of soul validation that one person who may have had a bad Monday and already feels stressed by her kids or her looming work deadline can’t possibly provide. Instead, we need to bring our identity to our friendships rather than try and take our identity and validation from our friendships. Entering friendships firmly rooted in our faith, our family, and our identity is the healthiest way to start any new friendship.
2. Forgetting that we all bring baggage into friendships.
Whether we like it or not, we all haul some kind of baggage with us into our adult friendships. And we all need to be reminded that we’re not responsible for the luggage that other women will bring with them. But that we will be impacted by it and should be ready for when those suitcases of junk inevitably explode at inconvenient times when all you thought you were doing was making plans for a kids play date and instead you end up down a dark and twisting conversation you never expected. At the end of the day, it’s not your job to fix your friends. It’s your job to love them, while maintaining healthy boundaries that serve you both.
3. Setting unrealistic expectations for a friendship.
We can’t connect when we’re setting all the terms. So it’s essential we identify the often-unrealistic expectations we bring into friendships – and how those can disappoint us before we’ve even begun. We must sacrifice our long lists of wants, demands, and expectations. We must lay them down and be willing to have them completely upended. Crumpled. Rearranged. Messed up. The best friendships don’t try to squeeze you into that uncomfortable pair of skinny jeans, the best friendships let go their expectations and fit you like your comfy, ratty Sunday afternoon jeans with plenty of room to breathe.
4. Refusing to let friendship get beyond “fine.”
If we want real friendship that goes beyond politeness or carpool or small talk, we must be willing to admit how we’re really doing. We must be willing to invite friends over when we’re not ready for company. We must sacrifice the pretty perceptions we’ve built of others and ourselves. And we must answer the question, “How’re you doing?” with the truth instead of the polite default of, “I’m fine.”
5. Worrying about what our friends will think of us instead of trusting them with who we really are.
For many of us women, our craving for connection is in direct conflict with our obsession with perfection. If our houses need to be tidy, if all the laundry needs to be put away and all the floors need to be swept or vacuumed and the candles lit before we’re comfortable inviting someone over, we’ll never be up for it. Because, “ain’t nobody got time for that.”
That standard of entertaining means that we’ll be too busy cleaning and prepping to remember that friendship works best when we show up just the way we are. Putting too much pressure on our appearances – whether in the mirror or in our houses – means that we’ll get tired of all that frustration and busyness and we’ll collapse on the couch and shrug and say, “It’s just not worth it!”
Because it isn’t. Because friendship shouldn’t equal entertaining. No, friendship should look more like yoga pants – comfortable, old, worn in, and stained. I think we can do it. I think it’s easier than we think. But it starts with our willingness to open the door whether we’re prepared or not. It starts with admitting that our quest for perfection is a gift to no one. Real friendship will insist on getting past that front door of perfection until it finds that closet or drawer that’s stuffed full of our junk and it will insist on opening it.
And if we’re willing – if we’re willing to lay down our expectations and open our front doors and our hearts, just the way we are, the honest truth is we still might get hurt. We still might get disappointed. But as a dear friend reminded me this morning — “It is worth it and God has to be in it.”
(Check out Never Unfriended and Lisa-Jo’s other books on motherhood, friendship, and finding the extraordinary in the middle of our ordinary lives by clicking here.)
Dear friends, we come to friendship admitting our flaws and lowering our defenses not because we’re promised we’ll never get hurt again. We do it surrendered to the truth that even though friendship might hurt us, we are called to love other people. So we bravely, vulnerably, deliberately choose to do so. Just like our Jesus showed us how to do.
Some of the best and hardest work God calls us to do is to love other people. One day, one woman, one misstep at a time.
We take the time to figure out friendship not because it is easy. But because it is necessary.
Question for you: What would you add to this list — what are the mistakes we can help each other avoid as we head into new friendships? I’d love to learn more from your own experiences in the comments today.
About the Author: Lisa-Jo Baker is a former attorney, longtime Community Manager at (in)courage, bestselling author, national speaker, and collaborative writer. She is also the co-host of the Out of the Ordinary Podcast and lives just outside Washington, D.C. with her husband of over 20 years and her 3 very loud kids. To find out more about Lisa-Jo, visit https://lisajobaker.com/.
22 thoughts on “5 Common Friendship Mistakes & How to Avoid Them”
Such a great topic and so well covered! We, as friends, all need these tips!
Mary, I agree that we can all apply these to our friendships. I think the hardest two for me are letting go of unrealistic expectations and setting down the shield of perfectionism to truly be seen, flaws and all. I’ve been working on extending grace and being willing to go first when it comes to being vulnerable. Which ones are most difficult for you? Thanks for taking the time to comment! I’m glad to hear Lisa-Jo’s post was helpful!
Hi Lisa-Jo! I’m a friend of Jen Roland’s from our MOPS days, and I found out by accident that you go to our church. So hello and welcome! I admit to having committed all of this mistakes at one point or another, and I can point to one friendship in particular that spanned all five (no naming names!), so this post was needed and will be heeded.
Hi, Pam! I’m so happy to hear that Lisa Jo’s post resonated with you – it did with me too! I’m blessed to part of a loving church community with you both and I’m looking forward to living out Lisa-Jo’s tips to build healthy, God-honoring friendships!
Those unrealistic expectations get in the way of so many types of relationships! And expectations are difficult to let go! I think most of these tips could also apply to work colleagues as well.
I agree that these tips are applicable to many different types of relationships! It is hard not coming into relationships with any expectations, but by being the type of friend we want to have (one who is available, vulnerable, and honest) I think we are more likely to cultivate those types of relationships.
This was a great read! Love the tips you shared. Trying to maintain friendships in this day and age can be hard but it is worth the effort.
I’m so glad you found the tips helpful and that you enjoyed the article! Friendships are especially hard with stay-at-home orders and social distancing, but I am finding creative ways to connect with others in these crazy times!
This is awesome! I love that you have the option to listen to the blog as well. This is a good topic and you have some really good points. I had to examine myself. Thanks for sharing.
You’re welcome! A lot of my “readers” prefer to listen, so I’m glad that was helpful for you too!
This is great. I knew a few ladies who set unattainable expectations on each other and their friendship failed. I wish they had read this long ago. Thank you for sharing.
I am so sorry to hear about that broken relationship! Letting go of unrealistic expectations is hard! I’m glad you found this post helpful and hope you’ll continue to follow along the series!
Setting unrealistic expectations is one trap I’ve fallen into when it comes to friendships. I had to have a change in mindset so that I wouldn’t constantly be disappointed. Going along with that, I’ve had to learn to focus more on being a giver and encourager than to expect too much from my friends. Thanks for this important post!
I love what you said about focusing on being a giver and encourager rather that focusing on what we will get! So glad you enjoyed the post!
I used to trust way too easy and let a friend into my inner circle way before I realized she should not be there. That causes alot of hurt, to say the least. But it was my fault and I have grown from that. Thank you for this beautiful post!
Donna, I’ve been there too and it’s so hard! Some people don’t feel equipped to help us carry our burdens and so they bail out! But, we can learn from this and become more selective about who we bear our souls to. I’m glad this post benefited you and I appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment!
I think you summed it up perfectly. Friendships, and any relationship, must be built on truth and love. That is, being authentic and vulnerable with each other, while protecting and regarding each other higher than ourselves. I would add one thing – that there are “one-sided” friendships (only one party invests in it) and how to handle that.
Ester, That is a great add! How would you advise someone to avoid “one-sided friendships”? What would you say are the warning signs and how can we handle it in a Godly way so that it grows into a healthy relationship?
Wow! These are great pointers for making friends. I especially like the part about being comfortable enough to let people in even when you don’t feel perfect. I should do that more.
Betty, I would like to do better at this as well. I still feel the need to tidy up whenever friends come over, but I think I’d invite people over more often if I cared less about what my house looked like and focused on connecting with them. I’m glad Lisa-Jo’s pointers were helpful!
I love how you reiterate the importance of being genuine in our friendships and setting boundaries for our expectations of others. It really allows for things to ebb and flow naturally. Plus, it positions us for being the hands and feet of Jesus to our friends – whether they have a strong faith relationship or not!
Thank you for this post! I definitely have made some of these mistakes in friendships. I particularly felt convicted by your sentence on soul validation ‘we need to bring our identity to our friendships rather than try and take our validation from our friends’. I started to take notes but then I remembered I could pin it to read later!