From Believing Lies to Being Grounded in Truth – Laura’s Story of Transformation & Healing

by Laura Hilley

My story begins in childhood, where I remember attending a church in Bowie, Maryland with my family. We always prayed, “Now I lay me down to sleep” before bed and said grace, “God is good, God is great,” before meals.  As a matter of fact, just before we moved to Clarksville, MD in 1976 I remember riding the Joy Bus on Wednesday nights.  It was a blue bus that came around and picked us up and we drove around singing songs and creating ‘bumpy’ artwork.  I loved it!

But when we moved it all stopped. 

It wasn’t because of the move, but during that same time in 1976 my grandfather, my mother’s dad, was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and he died within a year of his diagnosis.  My mom was very angry, and I remember her saying that she was upset with God that He would take a good guy like my Pop Pop from us.  He never drank or smoked a day in his life—he was the perfect example of a husband, father, and grandfather.  She didn’t understand, and so with that we never found a new church home. 

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Without a church family and a traveling father (who was gone quite a bit for weeks at a time due to his work as an FAA contractor), my mom didn’t work outside the home and she wasn’t the disciplinarian type. My mom was very pro-women’s rights, always encouraging me to be independent, free, and strong-willed. My brother was kind of a hot head, but dealing with allergies and asthma as a child must have been frustrating for both he and my mom. My mom started pouring her first glass of wine while cooking dinner, and the glass would remain full the rest of the night. This was my environment as I headed into the awkward middle school years, which set the stage for high school and beyond. 

I started smoking cigarettes around the age of 13, drinking around 14, engaging in intimate relationships at 15, and marijuana and other drugs followed not long after that. When my mom found out I was having sex, she immediately put me on the pill. I didn’t know at the time that sex before marriage was a sin, or that it should be reserved for marriage. I got my driver’s license at age 16 and, the very first night out on my own, I went to a party, drank, and drove home.

If only I had known then what I know now.

From high school until my early twenties, I had countless partners and would drink until I blacked out most nights.  I allowed myself to get pregnant not once, but twice, at age 19 and then again at 20.  I didn’t tell anyone except my mother about my first pregnancy, who encouraged me to have an abortion. It was our legal right after all, fought for by women for women, as she would say. I told my boyfriend about the second pregnancy and he said he wasn’t ready. Following my second abortion and a break up, my ex-boyfriend said he had found someone else and moved away to the Eastern Shore. Sadly, I heard a few years ago that he passed away from alcohol-related issues.

At the age of 22, I met the man of my dreams, Mike Hilley. We dated for 6-8 months when I decided I was in love.  I wanted a commitment so I talked to his best friend to see if he knew what the temperature was from Mike’s perspective.  Joe’s words were, “Please don’t ask him to commit. He has just gotten out of the Marine Corp and is not ready to make a commitment.”

Around the same time I met a guy named Mike R. and, within 6 months, we were living together and I was pregnant. My son Nick, who is now 26, was born in September 1991, and Mike R. and I got married that November.  On Nick’s first birthday I found out I was pregnant again, and Mitch was born in April of 1993. 

From the moment I said “I do,” everything changed. I suddenly found myself in an abusive relationship, verbally and financially at first and later it became physical. I eventually escaped with the help of Howard County Domestic Violence Center. Once I broke the news to my parents, they opened their hearts and home to me, and I was able to move in with them until I got back on my feet. I was divorced within a year.

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Not long after I moved in with my parents I was helping a friend move, who, unbeknownst to me also invited Mike Hilley and his best friend to help her. We eventually started dating and, after five years he proposed. We married in July 2000 and Grace was born June 2001. While my drinking slowed down after our marriage, by no means did it stop. Mike and I had a very social life, and loved to throw parties where drinking was the head liner and would lead to more illicit behavior, including pornography and infidelity. We thought everyone did this stuff and believed it was normal because those around us were doing the same things.

Imagine my husband’s dismay when, fast forward about 13 years, I quit drinking cold turkey while he was on a hunting trip.  That was almost 7 years ago now, and the story started two years before that.

CS Lewis writes, “You would not have called me unless I had been calling you,” said the Lion in the Silver Chair. If you are familiar with the Narnia stories, the Lion represents God. Looking back, I’d say God had certainly blessed my broken road, because with the lifestyle I led I shouldn’t even be alive today! God started what I call, “whacking me upside the head,” at my grandmother’s funeral in April 2010. After the ceremony, I ended up sitting at a table with my Uncle Earl, who was a Presbyterian Pastor. He straight up asked me where I stood in my faith.  I told him, “I’m a good person and I believe in a god, but I’m not so sure that Jesus is the only way to heaven.” The conversation continued, and he just listened.  Later, he pulled me aside and asked me if I liked to read. I said yes, and he suggested two books, one for me to read and one for my daughter, Grace. A week later, those two books appeared in my mailbox from Uncle Earl.  I sent him and thank you card and stored the books on my shelf, where they sat untouched.

Four months later, my father in law passed away. Right before he passed, we were all at his bedside saying our goodbyes. I kissed his forehead, told him I loved him, thanked him for everything he had done for us, and then asked him to show us a black and yellow butterfly when he arrived safely in heaven. (While he was sick, he would watch his butterfly bushes and was very intrigued by these butterflies. He had always been particularly fond of the black and yellow ones).  

The viewing, church service and funeral went as expected. We were under the green awning at the mausoleum when the pastor dismissed us.  There was a huge rose bouquet on the casket and suddenly, out of nowhere, this black and yellow butterfly flew into the awning, made a large circle, and then escaped and flew directly up in the sky, higher than any butterfly I’ve ever seen fly until it was out completely out of sight. Those that were there who were also in the hospital room days earlier were stunned! Jaws dropped, my tears were flowing, we were just in awe!

That was my second “whack upside the head.” But, that still didn’t do it.  Just a few years later we moved into our new house at the same time one of my son’s best friend’s mother, Margaret, passed away from cancer.  My mother in law and I went together and the priest talked about how Margaret was a faithful servant and she prepared for heaven while here on earth. I didn’t know that was what Psalm 23 meant – He was making this Psalm so clear to me, a psalm I heard many times before.  I left the church for the graveyard in a state of confusion; yet, feeling peaceful and comforted. At the graveyard, I saw a mom of another of my boys friends and I felt compelled to tell her what just happened in that church.  She calmly listened, and said to me “You know, Laura, I have volunteered for hospice and visited many people on their dying beds. I have experienced all religions or lack thereof and there is no other more peaceful passing than that of a Christian. I believe without a doubt that Jesus died for us, and that He is waiting to receive us when we die.”

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I ran home and found the two books Uncle Earl had sent me.  I read them both in less than a week and immediately began church shopping. I found Crossroads, my church home, on my second try, and haven’t left. I surrendered to the Lord and have never looked back.  

There is One who comes for us, and we hopefully are ready for Him when He comes…He comes even at the oddest of times and places and situations.

I joined a small group and my daughter, Grace, started coming to youth group and loved it. I was learning so much, and of course the Lord was working in me, changing me from the inside out.  Suddenly pornography disgusted me and I felt convicted to apologize to those I had hurt. I started seeing a Christian counselor, who encouraged me to turn my focus on Grace and making sure that she didn’t end making the same mistakes I had made. I had already set a poor example for my boys, who were now well on their “worldly way,” but it is never too late to start making changes. 

In all this, I felt like I was lifted up and put on the other side of the pond.  I’m on one side yelling to my family, “Come over here!” and they’re on the other side saying, “Come back!” It was a strange and very frustrating place to be.   

Eventually, God convicted me that my drinking needed to come to an end. When Mike left for a hunting trip, I quit and become very aware that I had developed a chemical dependency on alcohol. About three days into the sickness of withdrawal, I had a prescheduled doctor’s appointment and the doctor said I shouldn’t have quit completely without medical supervision, but he checked me out and determined I was through the worst of it.   

When Mike returned home, he was not a happy camper. As a matter of fact, we are still working through the changes that have occurred since my coming to Christ.  One night, about three months after I quit drinking, we got into a huge argument. Mike was angry and resentful, but during that argument I had a moment of clarity.

I heard God speak these words into my soul: “Laura, you are not fighting with Mike. You are fighting Satan. Stop trying to change Mike and let Me do it.” It was sudden and unexpected. My shoulders dropped, my defenses dropped, and I just got up, hugged my husband, and told him I was sorry and that I loved him. It was an amazing moment!

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People talk about the moment the Holy Spirit comes in them and I used to think they were crazy. I had surrendered my life to God, been obedient, and acknowledged out loud the things that were changing and shifting, both with my fellow Christians and with my family, but I still felt uneasy. One night soon after I heard from God and stopped arguing with Mike, I was lying in bed reading my devotional when my thoughts began to drift toward worry and fear. I was concerned about where my life was going to go – I didn’t want to go backwards, but would my family still keep me?

Would it always be this hard?

I felt suddenly warm, comforted, and again I heard God. This time, He said, “It’s going to be okay. I am with you.”  I started crying, but they weren’t sad tears.  I heard it over and over again – “it’s going to be okay.” Then, joy came – a joy that made me feel like I wanted to get up and dance. (My family already thought I was nuts! Can you imagine if I started dancing at 11 pm to no audible music, just the music in my own heart?)

I didn’t start dancing, but I slept like a baby and woke up with the same joy. I called my girlfriend, told her what happened, and she explained that in that moment I had felt the presence of the Holy Spirit.

Is my life perfect? Definitely not. Do I still battle my addiction? Every single day! Do I still have disagreements with Mike? I do. Does Grace battle the same things I did when I was a teenager? She does, but she is much better equipped with the truth of God, which keeps her from believing the lies I once believed about my identity, my worth, and what it truly meant to follow Christ.

To this day, I still wake up with the joy of Jesus in my heart.  No matter what I’m going through, I know that I know that I know that I am never alone. 

God gets the glory for my transformation.  God has blessed my broken road, taken all my hardships, and used my story to bless others.  He took my heart of stone and made it a heart of flesh.  In June, I was baptized in the Jordan River and my baptism verse was Luke 10:27: ‘Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind.‘ But not only did I promise to love, I promised to live by His Word and devote my life to following Jesus.  Through Christ, we can overcome, be transformed, and find healing.

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