Six Things One Mom Has Learned About Self-Care

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There’s so much talk about self-care these days, especially among women, and especially among women who are moms. Instagram posts about bubble baths, pedicures, and time to yourself are easy to find—over 20 million posts are tagged with #selfcare. Some of the conversation goes deeper, discussing things like boundaries, soul care, and self-love.

Either way, it’s lots of talk, and probably not nearly as much action.

Why is self-care so hard? After 3 years of parenting and lots of teary angst, I feel like I’ve cracked the self-care code, and it’s been more complicated than Instagram makes it seem. To actually prioritize my health, I’ve had to dig a little into a few things, specifically my identity as a Christian and my choice to be an at-home parent. I’ve realized that some of the messages I’d absorbed from my faith and broader culture were getting in the way of my practicing self-care as a woman and a mother.

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My first hang-up with self-care started before I was a mom with my faith background. Christian culture, at least the kind I was familiar with, did not promote self-care, and in some ways, seemed to actively oppose it. Did anyone else grow up with the acronym J.O.Y.? If so, I know you can recite it just like that: Jesus, Others, Yourself. It was a cute Sunday School way to check your priorities. Well-meaning for sure, yet like many things, it’s an oversimplification.

I’ve wondered if this little teaching has led millions of people of faith to believe that any focus on themselves is probably doing it wrong. I’ve noticed that Christian women in particular find it difficult to say no to requests others make of them. Is it any surprise that those of us who’ve had JOY ingrained into us as children find it hard to prioritize ourselves and our needs? We are, after all, taught that we are supposed to come last.

Another learning curve of my self-care journey came about as I lived the role of “stay-at-home mom.” I was burned out from teaching and didn’t know what else I wanted to do, so staying home with soon-to-come children seemed like a logical next step. It turned out to be a difficult role for me, and the story I was absorbing about it made it nearly impossible to care properly for myself.

Truthfully a mix of Christian culture and culture at large, the narrative I picked up about being a stay-at-home mom glossed over its realities. For me, it went something like this: I’m doing “the most important job in the world”, I should feel grateful and lucky more than anything, and I actually have it pretty easy because a lot of moms are out there working full-time jobs and mothering, too (they’re called “working moms,” as opposed to… moms who are relaxing?). Why would I need self-care when my life was already so meaningful, fulfilling, and vacation-like?

(Whew. Can you tell I have some feelings here?)

I’m a passionate supporter of women and mothers, and learning to care for myself has been an almost four-year journey. I’m not perfect at it, but I’m happy to share what I’ve learned. Here what’s helped me not just talk about, but actually implement self-care.

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To practice self-care as a Christian, I learned to:

• Detangle self-care from selfish. One of the most important things I’ve done is unlearning the harmful messages things like JOY can send: that thinking about yourself is selfish and that if you’re prioritizing yourself you’ve got the priorities mixed up. I’ve had to seek out and create more nuanced messaging around what it means to be a Christian who takes good care of herself.
  

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• Say no. I’ve learned a totally new framework for navigating what life and other people ask of me. Mainly, this has meant learning how “no” can be said kindly, that “no” should be our answer more often (maybe even the default answer so we can give true yeses to the things we’re called to do), and, probably the most fundamental of all, that “no” doesn’t mean you don’t care or want to help.  It just means that you are learning to set healthy boundaries.
  

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• Seek out examples. It’s been really important for me to learn from other women of faith what it looks like to take care of and prioritize ourselves. They’re out there, and it’s essential to find them. We need examples if we’re going to really change: as they say, you can’t be what you can’t see.

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To practice self-care as a stay-at-home mom, I learned to:

• Ask for what I need (and know that I deserve it). Asking for what you need as a woman is harder than it should be, and it’s maybe even harder for SAHMs. For me, a big realization was that I wasn’t asking for what I needed because I didn’t really believe I had the right to self-care. (In such a blessed state I shouldn’t need much!) I’ve learned to acknowledge and help bring to light the (real, valid) work entailed in care giving and homemaking, and that has helped me feel confident in making sure I get what I need. In short: I’m doing hard work, and I deserve a break—or anything else I deem that I need—just as much as anyone else.
  

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• Embrace and seek out the village. I’ve come to understand that the clichéd statement of “it takes a village” holds real, deep truth. We aren’t supposed to be doing this parenting thing alone: it takes grandpas and grandmas and neighbors and aunts and uncles and friends to raise children. The modern way is silly, and it’s exhausting all of us. When I was pregnant with #2, we decided to relocate to a more rural community closer to family. It was a sacrifice, but I’m so much more able to care for myself now that I’ve enlisted others to help care for my children.
  

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• Be open to a third way. It seems that many modern mothers, myself formerly included, perceive two options: stay home or work outside the home. I came to a point where I really had to think about my choice and what it was doing to me. I began experimenting and found that doing part-time freelance work alongside the unpaid work was a better fit than being a full-time at-home parent. And as I’ve searched for a way that suits me, I’ve found other moms trying to do the same thing—getting creative to mother in a way they feel honors both their families and themselves.

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I’ve realized that expectations about womanhood and motherhood, whether they come from faith traditions or culture or anywhere else, don’t need to have power over me. Theology, Christian culture, feminism, friends, media—none of these get to decide the “right” way to be a woman and a mother. Ultimately, we get to decide what’s best for unique selves, families, and situations.  Understanding that has made all the difference for me.

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To join the rest of our Cultivate series and build positive habits for your mind, body, and soul, click here.  Upcoming topics include Creating Space for What Makes You Come Alive, Time & Stress Management, Money Mindset & Stewarding of Finances, Practicing Mindfulness, and Overcoming Anxiety.  

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About the Author: Amber Adrian is a former English teacher and current freelance writer. She’s an Enneagram 6 and mama to two little girls. Amber writes articles and essays about personal growth, books, overwhelm, parenting, minimalism, culture, and mindfulness. She also writes a monthly newsletter called SLOW, where she links to thoughtful content, talks slow living, and gives away (real) books to her readers. To sign up for her newsletter, read more of her writing, or access her free resource 10 Mantras For Perfectionists, visit her at http://alternativegrace.com.