5 Ways to Help Your Tween Build a Healthy Self-Esteem

by Jen Roland

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Cyberbullying. Comparison. Cultural norms that conflict with Christian values. As if the hormone changes that accompany the tween years aren’t difficult enough, parents now must help their child navigate the world of cell phones and social media, as well as be prepared to have conversations about everything from teen depression and anxiety to pornography and sexuality.

If your anxiety is starting to rise, you are not alone! When I heard in a recent Axis interview with counselor Chris Bruno that online pornography was the number one “drug” facing our children’s generation, I nearly dropped my cell phone. Yet, because of its rampant accessibility through smart phones, it’s a common addiction among our nation’s teens and tweens (ages 8-12). I’ll be honest and share that I feel ill-equipped to address these issues with my eight and (almost) eleven year-old.  So, the question arises, “When is the appropriate time?” When do we start having these difficult conversations with our kids?

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In thinking about this further, I came to the conclusion that a number of these issues can be tackled by addressing one major aspect–identity. Helping our child understand God’s chosen design for them as male or female; discover who they are in Christ; and find their worth not in what they do, wear, say, or who their friends are, but in what Jesus did for them is key to building a healthy identity. Children with a strong sense of who they are, a sound moral compass (God’s Word), and parents who model behavior aligned with the Bible are less likely to give in to peer pressure and seek their worth in external factors.

It’s true that we can’t keep our kids from being exposed to certain things. We can choose not to get them a cell phone until we are ready to actively monitor it and we can install software on our computers to block inappropriate content. But, this doesn’t stop a student at school or on the bus from providing my kid access to something she shouldn’t see. There are simply things that are out of our control, but what we model and teach them at home is not one of them. While we can’t raise our kids in a bubble, we can prepare them for our rapidly changing world and help them protect their hearts and minds.

Here are five ways we can help our tween build a healthy self-esteem and anchor their identity in Christ:

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1. Model positive self-talk.

If we always focus on our flaws, obsess over our weight, compare ourselves to others, or beat ourselves up over our mistakes, we can’t expect our children to behave any differently. Let’s give our kids a good example to follow by loving our spouse, others, and ourselves well. We can model for them what a healthy self-esteem, Christ-centered marriage, and strong communication look like.

Modeling positive self-talk includes being willing to admit when we’re wrong and apologizing for our mistakes. Children don’t need to see that we’re perfect; they need to see that it’s okay to fail because that’s how we learn.

It includes witnessing us extend grace and forgiveness when others mess up, as well as extending grace to ourselves. Kids need to see that we accept who and where we are in life while continually seeking to become more like Jesus.

Another way we can help our tween develop the habit of positive self-talk is by speaking affirmations over them, such as:

• You are unconditionally loved. No matter what you do, God’s love and my love for you will never change.
• You are fully accepted not for what you accomplish, but because you are a child of God’s Kingdom.
• God has gifted you with (artistic talent/athletic ability/a passion for following Jesus) and I know He has great plans for you!

Point out the gift’s God has given your kids and praise them for their efforts and their heart for Jesus, not just their accomplishments. Speaking positive affirmations over our kids helps them develop a healthy identity based on who God says they are and what Jesus did for them, not who others say they are and what they do. Unlike other world religions, Christians are saved by grace, not by works, so let’s remember this when we speak to our kids. We all want our kids to do well in school and sports, but our primary goal is not to raise star athletes or scholarship recipients to prestigious universities–it’s to raise Christ-centered kids that can become world changers for God’s Kingdom.

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2. Be available.

We have a career, after-school carpools (when we’re not in quarantine, that is), and a house to take care of, but all of these responsibilities come second to the ministry of our family. If any of the above are getting in the way of us being physically and emotionally present for our kids, something’s got to go (and no, we can’t send our kids away!) The hard truth is that we hinder our relationship with our kids when we’re physically and emotionally absent because we’re always working, are overwhelmed, or are distracted. My husband and I have chosen to live within simpler means so that I can be home with my kids more. This may not be an option for every family, but the point to remember is that children don’t need extravagant vacations or the latest toys—they need our presence and to feel seen, heard, and loved.

Every family has to figure out what works for them, but I can tell you from experience one thing that doesn’t work when it comes to healthy communication and that’s trying to force a conversation. Our kids aren’t going to automatically open up the moment we’re available to talk. Being in the same room with our attention glued to a screen or with ear buds in listening to our favorite podcast isn’t being emotionally available either. (I stand guilty as charged.) We have to interact with them regularly and cultivate a safe place for them to share if we want them to do so.

When they do choose to open up, rather than shout for joy, we can cultivate stronger communication by practicing the following:

• Don’t react. As they said in a recent Axis interview, practice your “I’m not surprised face.”¹
• Respond with compassion, not judgment. Telling our kids they should know better or be ashamed of themselves pushes them away. Shame isolates, humiliates, and condemns our children, lowering their self-esteem.
• Show empathy BEFORE pointing them to biblical truth. They’re more likely to listen if we first build connection.
• Invite them to tell us more and ask questions to understand. “How did that make you feel? What do you think about that?” Sharing age-appropriate examples from our own life may also help open the door to conversation.
• Don’t downplay their concerns. The situation may seem trivial to you, but to your tween it is a BIG deal!
• Be careful how you respond when they share experiences of others. For example, if your child shares about a girl at her school whose “sexts” to her boyfriend leaked out, rather than judge the girl for her mistakes, we can respond with, “I can’t imagine how hard that must be for her. How can we show her love and compassion? Let’s pray for her.”²

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3. Encourage your child to get involved in wholesome activities.

Sports are great, but if we want our kids to be well-rounded we have to address more than their physical health. We can teach our kids about the joy of serving by encouraging them to volunteer. We can sign them up for youth group and take them to church regularly so they mature spiritually. We can support them in their mental health by finding a Godly mentor that they can talk to about things when they don’t feel comfortable coming directly to us. This person should be a well-trusted adult who shares the same basic values, is willing to invest the time to listen, and who can point them back to the Bible. I can think of a few close friends who I’d feel comfortable having my kids chat with in confidentiality. Axis, a ministry dedicated to helping caring adults navigate teen culture through a biblical lens, suggests finding a young adult mentor—preferably someone in their twenties—because that is who our children aspire to become. Giving our kids access to Godly mentors helps build up a trusted community who will love and support us and our children as we grow.

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4. Teach healthy coping strategies.

What should they do when the kid on the bus calls them a name? When the girl at the sleepover tries to convince them to download a new app without parental permission? When her boyfriend asks that she send him an inappropriate photo? When your child is offered drugs or alcohol? When they feel anxious, depressed, or even suicidal?

So. Many. Questions.

This is where parental anxiety starts to creep in again. How can we possibly be prepared to discuss all these issues with our tween?

The answer is, one question at a time, little by little, following the nudges of the Holy Spirit. The more time we spend with our kids and in prayer, the easier it is to notice when something is “off” and facilitate a discussion pertinent to them at that time.

Positive self-talk is one example of a coping skill that helps kids remember their value is grounded in who God says they are, not what others say. Having a go-to phrase (or a few options) to resist peer pressure, such as “No way, if my parents found out I’d be grounded for months,” “I need to be able to play my best in the big game this weekend,” or “That’s not really my thing, but maybe we could do (different activity) instead,” is also helpful. However, what I believe is most important is understanding why we say no, set boundaries, and practice healthy coping skills. Here are a few reasons we can share with our kids:

• I am a caretaker of the body God has gifted me. It was bought at a price, it is a temple of the Holy Spirit, and it is God’s masterpiece. It is my responsibility to treat it that way so God can work in me and through me.
• Everything I read, watch, or listen to affects me. If I want to protect my heart and mind, I have to filter what I allow into my personal space. I can trust my parents (not always my friends) to help me do this.
• Sin separates me from God and can form a wedge between me and the people I love. Even if my friends say it’s no big deal, I know the truth (Isaiah 59:2). True freedom is found in obeying God’s Word, not conforming to the world.

The last one, along with other truths to set our preteens free, is addressed in the book Lies Girls Believe by Dannah Gresh, which I recently purchased for both of my girls, along with the Mom’s Guide.  Helping our kids know the truth and implement healthy strategies to cope with uncomfortable situations is imperative in preventing them from turning to drugs, alcohol, sex, social media, or other things that distract them from God’s good and perfect plan for their life. As parents, we can be cheerleaders for our kids, encouraging them to make wise choices aligned with their core values.

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5. Monitor their social media!

I saved this one for last because it is perhaps the biggest mistake modern parents make. Giving our tweens free reign on a cell phone is like giving them a loaded handgun. This may seem harsh, but it is to make this point clear:

The Internet is DANGEROUS to a child who is not yet capable of processing what they see and hear. High amounts of screen time have been linked to DEPRESSION and shown to negatively impact our children’s concentration. Access to social media leads kids to compare and can result in a lower self-esteem and heightened levels of ANXIETY.

Axis suggests a few guidelines that can help us appropriately monitor our kids use of cell phones and social media:¹

• Do not allow tweens to have their own cell phone. Even if they are the only one who uses it, refer to it as the parents’ phone that the child gets to use. This privilege can be taken away if they break trust or don’t follow the guidelines in the cell phone contract. (See my resource list for a great book that contains a sample cell phone contract.)
• Kids should turn their phones in at night (perhaps have a family charging station) and earn the right to use it unsupervised only after they’ve proven that they can be trusted by using it only in openly monitored areas.
• Parents should regularly check text messages, social media platforms (once their kids have them), and Internet history (once that privilege is given). Tweens must request parental permission before downloading new apps and be expected to report inappropriate content to their parents immediately.

One of the best ways we can help our tween build a healthy self-esteem is by looking at what they are consuming—this includes the information coming at them through their smart phones. Kids should not get a phone unless their parents have time to actively monitor it. Wise mothers and fathers don’t allow busyness or fatigue lead to permissive parenting.

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Axis recently released a 3-part video series called “Reclaiming the Smart Phone” that answers questions such as “When should I get my child a phone, if at all? What do I do if they already have one and it’s out of control? (Hint: It’s NOT too late!) and “How can I think biblically about our families phones?” You can access all three videos for free by clicking here. Focus on the Family also has a website called pluggedin.com to help you and your family make appropriate entertainment choices. In addition to reviewing television and music, they rate games, books, and have a weekly broadcast where they discuss popular entertainment and technology trends, provide essential tools to navigate today’s culture, and encourage parents to engage in dialogue about the media they are consuming in a way that spurs intellectual, emotional, and spiritual growth.

With each of the strategies described in today’s post, the goal is to build connection. It is through a positive relationship with our children that they will cultivate a healthy self-esteem rooted in biblical values and unconditional love. With wisdom and courage, they’ll be able to walk in holy confidence and make wise choices that glorify God.

Call To Action: Which of these strategies will you focus on next to foster healthy communication with your child and help him develop a strong identity rooted in Christ? Leave your thoughts below and click here to download a FREE Resource List with 10 Books for Parents to Help Their Tween (or Teen) Build a Positive Self-Esteem. To subscribe to Jen’s blog and join the rest of the series, click here!

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References:

1. Axis. (2020). Reclaiming the Smartphone. Retrieved June 16, 2020 from https://axis.org/reclaiming-the-smartphone
2. Axis. (2020). Women’s Identity: Beauty, Cutting, and Porn with Jessie Minassian. Retrieved May 26, 2020 from https://axis.org/mhs-jessie-minassiann
3. Axis. (2020). Mental Health Summit Schedule. Retrieved May 26, 2020 from https://axis.org/schedule